The Button of Destruction

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When I am ready for bed, I have a conversation with both sides of myself: I am both a pessimist and I am also an optimist. My pessimist reminds me about all of the things I did not do, along with all the stuff that I managed to avoid. The optimist? Well he chimes in and says, “Tomorrow can be better.” Okay. I am talking to myself again.

So I set my goals for tomorrow: Wake up at 5:30 am, exercise, shower, do my hair (it takes a long time to look this good), get the kids up, eat, get the kids to eat, stop the kids from arguing with each other by arguing with them, then get my stuff together and go to work.

Nope. Not for me. Have you forgotten about the finest invention, the most excellent attachment to the bedside clock: The snooze button. It’s the button that should come with a warning label: “This button is habit forming.” The snooze may be destroying the world and it nearly destroyed my life.

It seems like a beautiful invention. Just a slight delay of 6 minutes. It won’t impact any of your goals but it will allow just a few more minutes of precious sleep. A few minutes to wake up your brain, to have a little more beauty sleep and to catch a few more winks. Ahh… Until you are jolted awake by the smell of burning flesh as the clock is tattooing the time of day onto your face with it’s LED laser beams. Every promise has it’s cost.

I wonder, what does it mean to “Catch a few more winks,” anyways? How is winking or trying to catch something a part of sleeping? Most people I know shut their eyes and try to forget today. Only an idiot winks when they are trying to sleep, or thinks about how to catch something when they would rather rest. I have one word for that: Crazy.

I wonder about the alarm clocks that were popular 100 years ago. Did they have snooze buttons? Back then the alarm clock was the family’s Rooster, probably named Rex. Rex is punctual, loves his job and knows that it is his mission to get you up at dawn every day. He will do his job until he dies. 100 years ago, the only snoozing that Rex would allow you to get would have to come at the end of a well aimed rock. One rock, one rooster, six minutes. Not very efficient, but it would be effective.

I wish there were a snooze button for life. Some days I just need a pause, a few minutes where everything stops. Press the button and boom… you now have six more minutes.

When would you use your snooze button? Would you give yourself a break from a meeting that seems to have stopped time? Would you interrupt a soul-sucking conversation with a brain-resting pause? Ohh, the possibilities are so much fun.

I go from snooze button to panic button.

My problem is that when I have used the Snooze, I can’t stop myself from using it. I press it over and over and over. My plan of getting up 90 minutes before work now becomes 9 minutes. I go from snooze button to panic button. Then stupidly, I do it all again tomorrow. Damned Snooze button. It is an addiction and it could ruin my life. The snooze button promises a few extra minutes of sleep, but it becomes the Purgatory of Procrastination.

Keep it real

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