Getting High on Recovery

“I want to fall apart. But then I take a breath… “

____

I want to fall apart. But safely. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. No bumps or bruises… this time.

I don’t want to be like Humpty, and I don’t want my family to worry. So I want to fall apart quietly, without any fanfare or even being noticed by anyone. Or concerned.

And I certainly don’t want to lose anything. Or make a mess. I can only imagine what it was like trying to put poor Humpty together… and in the end they just made scrambled eggs. The mess just ends up taking all of the fun out of falling apart.

“I want to fall apart. But then I take a breath… and another breath… and another. And then I forget what I was thinking about. Is this why they tell us to breathe?” anonymous

When I fall apart, I don’t want to actually have to talk about it. Or even admit it. I want it to be like a commercial break… or lunch break… or like forgetting to tie my shoes or bring my lunch to work… Oops, I fell apart.”

When I fall apart, I really like the idea of running away to somewhere warm. When I’m finally there, warm and far away, I will let go. But only if it’s at an all-inclusive. And somewhere safe.

I’m not ready to let go of control, yet.

Alright. I will be honest…

I am not ready to give up (the impression that I am in) control. Maybe I will let go for a moment, later. But now is not really a good time.

I’m out of vacation days, so I don’t really have the time to fall apart. This week is just way too crazy, I’m way too busy. Maybe Tuesday morning, next week, is a good time to let go. But I will need to be back together by Wednesday because I have an important meeting at lunchtime. And Fridays are a bad time to fall apart because I hate to ruin the weekend.

I need to fall apart. But I’m not ready right now. I’ll have to schedule it for next November. Or maybe when I retire…

I wonder if this is how Humpty felt? Sometimes it’s just better to sit down and stay where you are, rather than have a great fall?

• • •

I invite you to read some of my related work, “If you Have a Sense of Humor, Recovery Will be Way Easier.”

I invite you to sign up for my blog by clicking “Follow Getting High on Recovery.” When you enter your email, you will be able to access the articles in my blog at no cost. I do not send spam or share your email with anyone.

What I ask in return is that you comment on articles that connect with you and please share my work. And please take a moment to vote for my page on Psych Central’s list of mental health blogs.

Keep it Real

Photo by Andrew Seaman