One of the things I don’t get very often is a day to do whatever I want. Work, family, house, chores and the to-do list seem to eat up most of the “free” time that I have. So I secretly long for the day when I can just do nothing. It becomes like an mantra that I chant to myself. In a meeting where my eyes are rolling into the back of my head, I just think… “Can’t wait for a day to do whatever I want.” In my garage, cleaning up the piles of junk I store in there, “Can’t wait for a day to do whatever I want.” In the garage I talk to myself. Strange things happen there, some of the boxes hear me and feel my pain. They understand my needs and support me in my dream: “I’m gonna have one day where I do nothing. It’s gonna be awesome!”
Then it happens. Every now and then I have a day where things line up and my various tasks are completed (well, not really, I just ignore them. I am good at that, it is one of my gifts). I have a day where I can do whatever I want. I feel giddy and excited. Something warm happens inside and I feel good. Then I go and watch TV. And I eat chips. And I eat crap for lunch. And I watch more TV. Reading seems boring and so does exercise. And then TV seems boring. And then I hate having a day to myself. And then I go back to work, chores and to-dos… and wish for another day to do whatever I want?? What the heck??? As my son says, “That’s Cray-Cray!”
I don’t look forward to these days alone much anymore. I find them boring. All day to myself is usually not fun. I don’t laugh at my own jokes, I’m just not that fun to be around. I used to enjoy a day to myself but my family makes my life more interesting. The I-want-to-be –alone part of me has been rubbed off and I enjoy my family more. My brother once told me people like this are, “Sandpaper people.” At first these relationships feel like hard work. You have to work off the sharp edges. This means some conflict, some pain, some weeping and gnashing of teeth. After a while, if we care about these people, good things start to happen because we can reveal more and more of ourselves when we are with them. Sandpaper relationships are much different than “Porcupine people” who are prickly and need to be treated gently. Or they explode. In unfortunate ways.
So today I hope to have an hour and I hope to be more like Sandpaper and a little less Porcupine.
Keep it real.