Getting High on Recovery

I found this letter in the bathroom yesterday. It was written by a cat named Princess.

“This is a letter to the cat owners and wanna-be cat owners out there. Pay attention to my rules of survival if you want to live.”

1. I am watching you and I am the boss of your house. If you need to ask why, you need to go back to your room.

2. If you want to live, remember these three things:

• Don’t chase me. Ever.
• Give me what I want to eat.
• Bring out the red magic bouncing dot.

3. Time outs are for sissy dog owners. Don’t be a sissy. Remember that dogs suck.

4. When in bed, if you move, I will destroy you.

5. When I run around the house chasing what appears to be nothing to you, walk away if you want to live. I am a Secret Operative and you are blind to the untold threats from stray dust balls, enemy shadows and light shades. You are so blind.

6. When I seem happy, I am actually plotting the destruction of the all dogs on the street. Walk away.

7. I will let you pet me under the chin. Touch my stomach and I will pet you under the chin… with my claws.

8. When I claw your couch I am choosing the less destructive option. If you like, I can claw your leg instead. That’s what I thought. Now go back to your talking image box and be quiet, I have to teach the couch a lesson.

9. When I meow at night while you are sleeping, I am making contact with my ancestors. If you disturb me, we all will destroy you. Let me commune.

10. I love you, with strings attached. Don’t forget it. I will not say it again.

11. Hairballs are my gift to you. Be thankful that I love you.

Signed, Princess.

Keep it real.