An Open Letter to the World from The Cat

I found this letter in the bathroom yesterday. It was written by a cat named Princess.

Read this if you want to live
Read this if you want to live

“This is a letter to the cat owners and wanna-be cat owners out there. Pay attention to my rules of survival if you want to live.”

1. I am watching you and I am the boss of your house. If you need to ask why, you need to go back to your room.

2. If you want to live, remember these three things:

  • Don’t chase me. Ever.
  • Give me what I want to eat.
  • Bring out the red magic bouncing dot.
This is one of my warriors attacking the Magic Dot (www.mercurynews.com)
This is one of my warriors attacking the Magic Dot
(www.mercurynews.com)

3. Time outs are for sissy dog owners. Don’t be a sissy. Remember that dogs suck.

4. When in bed, if you move, I will destroy you.

5. When I run around the house chasing what appears to be nothing to you, walk away if you want to live. I am a Secret Operative and you are blind to the untold threats from stray dust balls, enemy shadows and light shades. You are so blind.

6. When I seem happy, I am actually plotting the destruction of the all dogs on the street. Walk away.

7. I will let you pet me under the chin. Touch my stomach and I will pet you under the chin… with my claws.

8. When I claw your couch I am choosing the less destructive option. If you like, I can claw your leg instead. That’s what I thought. Now go back to your talking image box and be quiet, I have to teach the couch a lesson.

9. When I meow at night while you are sleeping, I am making contact with my ancestors. If you disturb me, we all will destroy you. Let me commune.

10. I love you, with strings attached. Don’t forget it. I will not say it again.

11. Hairballs are my gift to you. Be thankful that I love you.

Signed, Princess.

Now go away.
Now go away.

Keep it real.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s