Keystone XL Pipeline: Should Canada export Beer instead?

The Keystone Pipeline is missing something. Canada is attempting to export our Crude Oil, but I think this lacks creativity. Honestly, oil is boring and old school. Canada, let’s wake up and be creative. We have beer, so why not export it?

Bruges, Belgium: Beautiful city known for it’s bikes, a nice wet river and for being a Unesco World Heritage Site. It is also known as the second city with a beer pipeline. They have found a way to maintain their pristine Gothic city while letting the beer flow like water through an underground pipeline.

They must be building two pipelines. One for the beer and the other to send the cash back to the brewery. In Canada, building a beer pipeline would probably get some support. I cannot imagine too many people protesting that one. In fact, I can see most bars in the country protesting FOR the Pilsner Pipeline.

The pipeline will transport up to 6000 liters of beer an hour. According to my brain’s Math App it looks like this: 6000 litres an hour, that’s 144,000 litres a day and over 52 million litres a year. That is over a 100 million bottles of beer a year. 100 million bottles of beer? Who could drink that much beer? They don’t even play Hockey, so I cannot imagine how they could drink that much beer.

For our country, a beer pipeline makes complete sense because it combines two of Canada’s favorite things: Beer and pipelines. We have lots of people in Fort McMurray who know what it takes to lay down the pipelines. Why not put these hard working folks to work and build beer pipelines to export Molson to every corner of the world?

I think that Bruges has nailed it. They know that beer is part of their history and that brewing is at the heart of their city. Just look at the photo here, if they didn’t have the beer pipeline, something would surely be missing!

Once we complete the beer pipelines, we can keep building pipelines because all of the beer being consumed will mean we will go to the bathroom more. More pipelines means more jobs.

Then we will need to address the human costs. On average, a bottle of beer has about 150 calories. That means about 1.5 billion beer calories. Sit with that one a little. Imagine being a calorie billionaire? Oh the fun we would have trying to burn all of those Hops off of our soft-like-beer Tooshies.

The beer run?
The beer run?

The fitness industry would explode, much like our waistlines. Think of all of the new fitness equipment and athletic apparel we would need in order to burn all those calories. The fashion industry would also surge because we would need new pipeline sized clothing. Think of the pizza and nachos we would sell. We would all go to more Hockey and Football games. We would all host summer barbeques, igniting a buying spree of festive napkins, steaks and bbq sauces. The country would take off.

The beer pipeline would even be good for the environment and quality of life, according to Belgian officials. This story just keeps getting better and better.

Just think of it, even our hospitals would also be fuller, as would the jails and cemeteries. This could keep everyone in business. More beer, that’s got to be a good thing… right?

Keep it real

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