When did become a good idea to wear Camoflage outfits to the mall? For simplicity I will refer to their street name, Camo.
The other day, my wife and I went shoe shopping with our 14 year old. That in itself was an ordeal and probably was the genesis for this entire incident. I blame it all on my child. I became delusional after an hour where he tried on 47 pairs of shoes that were “Too short, too thin, too wide, too narrow, too hot, too cold.” I was probably in a stupor when he finally said “This pair is just right.”
I dunno, perhaps in my shoe shopping stupor part of my brain had fallen asleep. Maybe with all of this talk of “Too cold, too hot and just right” I was dreaming about Goldilocks and the three bears?
In my stupor, I walked over to pay for the shoes and I stood behind a woman dressed in Camo wear. You know, patterns that make your legs and torso look like they are in the middle of a forest. Only this time, she was in a mall.
Maybe I needed a coffee, but I my cerebral cortex began cycling badly. For almost 10 minutes I laughed hysterically. My family could not understand what I was talking about. They probably wanted to call 911 and run away from me. I know I would have done that if it was one of them. It is a jungle out there, folks. Survival of the fittest.
I was having such a good time within myself. It seemed so funny that wearing Camo to the mall had somehow become a good idea. I wondered if maybe I missed the memo and this was the second coming of Halloween?
Then I imagined what would happen if a couple of deer wandered into the mall (that in itself would have been very weird… for the deer, and for me). What would they think of the Camo outfit? I even imagined their conversation, along with a deer accent (The best Near-Dear Alberta accent is with Baritone slightly Southern drawl):
“Do you see that??”
“Over there, next to the weird guy pointing at us and laughing to himself .”
“You mean the guy with the teenager whose hoodie is pulled over his face?”
“How is it possible that A TREE IS WALKING?!?”
“I will never eat those mushrooms again!!”
I am not the standard of fashion, not by a long shot. But Camo? Maybe this is an Alberta thing. We think it is normal to wear hunting gear to the mall, just in case we encounter Goldilocks and her bears or some deer in the mall. Yea, that happens all of the time here. This sure does not help our case when we are trying to teach the world that Canada is way more than winter storms, igloos and skidoos.
What’s next, taking our guns with us shopping? I guess that would make us Texas, and I am on Duck Dynasty.
Keep it real
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