Getting High on Recovery

Men like to talk to themselves while driving. We have proof, thanks to the Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials.

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In case you haven’t seen the commercials, they are very entertaining. In this one, McConaughey talks to himself, stares at a bull, gives it a random name and then drives the long way home because he has no one at home who enjoys listening to what he has to say. I can understand why.

Being in a car for too long can do strange things to a man. After going to a blockbuster movie like the Avengers, I drive fast because I want to experience being in charge and chasing bad guys. (That sounds really stupid when you actually think about it…) Sometimes I try to act cool and sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” while driving in my Ford Flex. (Windows closed, blinds up…)

I admit, I need help.

Cars have been known to drive men into a rare but substantiated psychological state called Automobiphrehia. (That’s Auto-Moby-Frenia for those of us who like the big words.)

You may know “someone” who has this unusual automotive disorder. Here is a partial list of the symptoms:

• Talking to yourself while driving
• Speaking philosophically and existentially about your automobile
• Self Assurance that when you in your vehicle, the world becomes balanced
• Naming animals random names, like Sirus (The Adam effect)
• Rubbing your fingers together for an uncomfortably long period of time
• Growing your beard long and wild
• Staring of a coffee shop window, while lovingly gazing at your car. Then you laugh to yourself for no apparent reason.
• Talking to your sunroof, “There we go…”

The presence of three or more of the above symptoms are clear indicators of Automobiphrenia. 

The condition can become extreme when automotive behaviors bridge the car-house gap and a man brings car behaviors in to his relationship with other people (Author’s vignette, for illustration only because he is not stupid enough to try this at home):

Man, ‘Honey, I’m “Takin’ care of myself, because that takes care of more than just myself.’ ”

Wife, “Enjoy sleeping in the garage tonight, and get yourself some help. Say hello to Sirus for me. You know that no one else can see him, right?”

Treatment for Automobiphrenia is simple. Anyone who may or may not have the disorder is recommended to sign for my blog and share this article with their friends.

 

Keep it Real, Sirus. Keep it Real.

Photos by Richard and Michael Gil.