Getting High on Recovery

The Outside sucks for a lot of really good reasons. Save yourself and stay inside!

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My wife and I went to the mountains for the weekend. Our trip took us to spectacular Jasper, Alberta. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful, but being Outside sucks. It sucks for a lot of really good reasons.

The next time you are asked to go Outside, say “No.” And here is why:

21 Reasons Being Outside Sucks

1.Outside (with a capital “O”) will become your new higher power, or at least something you can blame for your troubles – When you have a bad day, just say it’s because you spent too much time Outside on the weekend. Go inside, sit down and watch TV. No, you won’t feel better but you will think less.

2.It’s cold Outside – It just is. You can buy really good winter clothing and other gear, but you can’t change the temperature Outside. Global emissions are helping, but not fast enough. Yes, I know that 49 people now hate me, but you try living in a winter-loving country. When I get cold, I want to cry like a man-boy and that is not pretty.

3.You might fall – Studies show that being Outside increases your chances of falling by 98%. When you fall, you are more likely to die. Putting it together, being Outside you will make you die faster. That is, unless if you sit around a lot.

4.You will become less cool and you won’t care about it – People say that sitting is the new smoking, but that’s dumb. We all know that people smoke for good reasons: it smells cool, they look cool and they hang with cool people. When I sit down, I don’t care if I look cool because I basically fall from a standing position onto whatever seat will prevent me from crashing to the ground. That’s not cool.

5.You may step in poop – We played Deer-poop hop scotch for a few blocks, trying to evade the deer droppings on the sidewalk. Why do Deer need to poop on the sidewalk anyways? That’s like dropping a Deuce on the seat of your car. The Deer have the entire forest to poop, so why do they need to use the sidewalk?

6.You will have gas – Okay ladies, you won’t… just the men. Being Outside does something to your insides. It’s like everything gets moving when your feet get into gear.

7.Walking is a pain in the ass, literally – Walking forces you to use your underside. You get sore, and being sore is uncomfortable. After three hours of biking, every time I sit down, I am reminded of how much fun I had two days ago. Yes it was fun, but my ass is still sore. Thanks Outside for the souvenir.

8.You have to entertain yourself – Trust me, this is hard. Netflix is one of the best things to come out of the internet and binge walking is not as fun as binge watching.

9.You may lose your Wi-Fi signal and you are forced to become more in tune with your Wi-Fe signals – Being Outside may be better for your relationship, but if you are perfect do you really need to improve? Yeah, I’m perfect too so I know what it feels like.

10.You may wake up a little and realize that the people in your life need to change – Being Outside means that you will have uncomfortable silences, void of constant updates. You will notice uncomfortable things, especially about your partner. Because things are rarely your fault.

11.You will spend more money, because you need to have it and you must do it now.

12.Your brain will hurt – It is easier to buy experiences than to make them happen. Making your own fun will make your brain hurt because brain cells are growing. Save yourself the pain and stay inside.

13.Your brain will get a little bit younger – This may sound like an actual benefit, but losing brain cells is what makes life worth living. It is the feeling you get on a Saturday morning. Your brain is slow, and you can’t think straight. Ah, life at it’s finest.

14.You will take yourself a little less seriously – Getting out of the house means that you breathe more. Your normal nice-person filter will be a little thinner and you will be more like yourself. You are more funny that way.

15.You will breathe other people’s marijuana – It’s funny that people who live in one of the most amazing parts of the world need to smoke marijuana. Why do you need to get high when nature is punching you in the face?

16.Your updates will suck – because you won’t have time to be so serious and question the purpose of life or the purpose of the Internet. You are just trying to survive and updates will be forced to move to second place.

17.You will cry more – just ask a baby. Being Outside makes you cry, it just does.

18.You will need more steak – Prime Rib is another word for primal scream therapy. You need it.

19.You will feel older – because as soon as you are Outside, stories are forced into your consciousness. As soon as you say, “I remember…” that is a sign that you are getting old. Stay inside, remember less, and stay younger.

20.You might realize there is more to life than just sitting around – and that will throw your whole life into confusion. I am confused right now. I need to sit down.

21.You will become more dramatic – I wrote this article after being Outside for almost an entire weekend. The air is less filtered Outside and I think it went to my head.

If you enjoy this piece, you will love Life Happens When You Are Waiting for Life to Happen and 13 Things I Learned from Buying a Camping Trailer.

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All photos courtesy of smswaby, happily taken without permission from The Outside.