“If other people need me… if I am so important to my family, to my clients… why do I feel so nasty?”
I wrote this in my journal the other day. I really meant it.
But then I felt better after writing about it. So I guess writing helps. I hope that reading this helps you, because you are spending your time reading it… and it would suck if you took five minutes to read something that made you feel even more nasty, noxious, appalling, atrocious, repugnant (and yes… I consulted a Thesaurus for ways to describe a day that truly feels like it is a suck-whole).
I used to think that I needed more self esteem. So I filled my mind with positivity. I oozed positive feelings… all that happened was that I was positive that I sucked.
My doctor changes my medication and it annoys me that I don’t feel better right away. My moods still go up and they go down. The only thing that makes me feel better right away is pizza. Maybe they could put that into a pill? That would be gross.
I used to think that I need more meaning in my life.
Then I had children.
Feeling good feels good. That’s obvious.
When you feel good, you want to hold onto it. But like a baby, if you hold onto it, eventually it squirms out of your arms and falls on the floor. Honestly, my son is okay today. The bump on his head didn’t do any permanent damage. After all, he is almost 18 now… and well… okay he’s almost 18. Maybe we should’ve had that scan…
If you hold onto a baby long enough, it will squirm… or it will mess it’s diapers. Just let it go. But gently, low to the floor or it might become almost 18.
We all try to hold onto the good feelings, but they don’t last. Don’t beat yourself up because you will just give yourself bruises on top of feeling nasty.
One of the most important things you can do in recovery is learn to let go. But then there are times when you shouldn’t let go and in fact it is stupid if you let go: Don’t let go of the baby (I learned that one the hard way). Don’t let go of the eggs. Don’t let go of the car door when you are supposed to be holding it for your wife. And don’t let go of the china serving bowl.
Come to think about it, just hold onto your stuff. Letting go is too difficult.
When you get caught up feeling like your entire life is a suck-whole-write-off, you will miss out on all of the other stuff in your day. Stop looking at yourself. The rest of us feel nasty too, and you will miss out seeing how we all feel worse than you do.
People matter a lot, but there comes a time in your life when you need to stop giving a flying flapjack about what other people think. One day, you will realize that it just takes too much of your precious energy to care any more about what people think.
If you have a hard time with that, just dress them like a baby and wait until they squirm… or until they go to the bathroom in your arms. Trust me, you will learn to let go of that load real fast.
Each day has something for you. It helps if your arms are open
so that you are ready. Give yourself a gift and drop the jerks
from your life and you will feel better.
You might still feel like a suck-whole after reading this. That’s okay. You can still live your life and feel wretched at the same time. You might question it, but you can do it. It’s multitasking.
Feeling like you… and your life sucks is a little like having a picture frame around your life.
Think about it. You wake up, feel nasty and then you go to work. As the day wears on, you begin to feel a little better. You open up a bit and you notice things. You notice the world around you, your coworkers. Then someone says something nice. You say something nice back. Your day might get better… or maybe it will feel worse. But when you go home, you probably don’t feel so suck-wholish anymore.
So what happened?
The nasty, noxious, nauseating feelings will sometimes feel like they are EVERYTHING. But in reality, they are just feelings. When you invest energy living your life rather than just feeling bad or thinking about your thoughts or all of your memories, your nasties are put into context (they become a frame).
Remember boys and girls, the frame is not the picture…
When you start driving, listening to the news, talking to your coworkers, working, doing something that you find important, going for a walk, noticing the world, bla/bla/bla, you may still feel nasty. But your suck-whole-face-planted-in-floor feeling isn’t EVERYTHING. It’s just SOMETHING… or ONETHING.
This post was written in fun. I’m working at not taking myself so seriously. I did not mean what I said to offend you, so if I have, I’m sorry.
If you feel really, really bad, I get that. I sometimes feel really bad too. Please talk to someone… a close family member or a mental health professional. Talking won’t take the feelings away, but you will feel less alone. And that can be a big help. Know that you are valued. No one can take your place. Even if you don’t feel it, there are others who care.
If you like this post, I invite you to check out some of my other writing:
This is where I am supposed to write some serious stuff about myself. But in reality, I just hope that you enjoy what I write. I hope it makes you smile, makes you feel a little lighter and enjoy your life a little more. Nope, it’s not therapy, but I am sharing the good stuff… the stuff that helps me.
If you like it, sign up for my blog and share my work. And if you want to go the extra mile, click here to vote for my page on Psych Central’s list of mental health blogs.
Keep it Real
Photo by Abe Novy